Holding Space

My world as it was shifted and morphed on Saturday night into something else.

My partner of two years and I split, somewhat amicably, and now here I am, back to being single and regrouping, holding space for myself and allowing myself to feel all the feels- good, bad and otherwise.

I’ve gone through every emotion possible- from sadness to relief,  from grief to inspiration, from anger to frustration to angst to gratitude to love to indifference- and have settled into a place of feeling hollow, deflated and heavy- yet appreciative.

Break ups suck. It hurts. Emotionally I am shattered, physically I can hardly move, and mentally I am all foggy.

But I know that these feelings are all valid, being with someone for any length of time, losing a romantic partner who also happened to be your best friend isn’t easy, and I need to create some whitespace and simplify, strip my days and agendas and plans right back to basics.

So, in true Jo style, I have grasped at what I know, what I need to do to be present for myself, for feelings and to simply be. And that is to refocus on my Life of Simple Luxury.

I’ve bought fresh flowers and scented candles at my local farmers market.

I’ve browsed Pinterest and created a board on the woman I wish to become.

I’ve cleaned my house, scrubbed bathrooms, vacuumed and washed floors, I’ve cleaned out the fridge and assessed the state of my pantry.

I’ve started watching a series on Netflix about a period romance drama (love me a mountie!), and started reading in bed again.

I’ve got plans to clear out my wardrobe, there are garments that no longer suit the woman I wish to become.

I’ve dyed my favourite white dress that was looking worse for wear into navy blue.

I’ve readdressed my study plan and work schedule- what worked for me over the last 2 years isn’t serving me anymore.

And I’ve sat on the couch and gazed out the window into the distance. I’ve let myself feel everything- I need to to be able to begin again with clarity, focus and love- for myself, and for him.

I love him- there is no doubt about that. And I think  I always will. We were just two people who clicked, who worked well together, who admired and respected one another- but at the end of the day it didn’t work out. And this is ok too. If I’m not the woman for him, then I’ll get out of the way to make room for the woman who is.

There is an immense sense of gratitude, of respect, of raw love that washes over me as I write this. For him. For what he has done for me. For the lessons learnt, for the world he showed me, for the world as it can be. There has been, but is no longer, an anger at what could have been, of what happened for us to get to this point, and of time.

It hurts. Seemingly insurmountable feelings flood me in the most unlikely of situations and then they wane. I have moments of wanting to scream, and then I have moments of wishing he was here, just one more time.

So now I have to hold space. To regroup and to recharge, to refocus and to be the woman I need to be, for myself and for him.

Breathing space.

Whitespace.

A space of Simple Luxury.

Jo xx

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